The Most Important Question: How Is This Serving Me?
For years, I kept getting ghosted by guys.
It became a pattern—great dates, deep conversations, promises of next time—and then, nothing. No message, no closure, just silence. Sometimes after the second or third date. Sometimes even after what felt like a promising relationship.
And every time it happened, it hurt.
I told myself: Why does this keep happening to me? What am I doing wrong?
But then once I had started my journey of self-awareness and self-discovery, I paused and asked myself: How is this serving me?
And the answer surprised me.
If men kept ghosting me, I never had to truly open my heart. I could blame the ending on them, instead of risking being fully seen or vulnerable. I didn’t have to commit. I didn’t have to risk being truly hurt—because technically, they had left before I had the chance to fully show up.
It was a protection mechanism. A subconscious one. But once I saw it clearly, I could no longer unsee it.
I realised I wasn’t being ghosted by accident. My energy was unconsciously attracting emotionally unavailable people—because I was still unavailable to myself. I hadn’t yet committed to me fully, so how could someone else?
That was the moment everything shifted.
I healed. I journaled. I spoke kindly to the part of me that was scared of getting hurt. I chose differently.
I remember one morning, a few days after this realisation, I was sitting in the small BnB in New Zealand I worked at, at that time, and I listened to a heart-healing meditation. I felt something inside my chest crumbling and remember it as a old wound healing.
And the next day—literally the next day—I met my now-husband. Guys, I’m not joking or lying here, the timing was magical.
Coincidence? Maybe. But I don’t think so.
I think life always meets us when we meet ourselves.
(And a quick side note, my now hubby tested me subconsciously by ghosting me for a few days. And for the first time in my life I didn’t react hurt, I didn’t take it personally, I just moved on with my life and understood it as “he must be busy at the moment”. It bothered him, he wanted to see me chasing him and came straight back chasing me instead.)
Years ago, I would spiral every time something didn’t go to plan.
A failed project? I must not be good enough. A rejection? Clearly I’m doing something wrong. A hard conversation? I should’ve handled it better.
I saw obstacles as personal failures.
Until I learned to pause and ask:
How is this serving me?
It didn’t mean the situation was fair or easy. But this question helped me shift from victim mode to conscious growth.
When I asked this question in the middle of a painful decision or setback, it helped me:
Find the lesson (even if it took a while)
Step back and look at the bigger picture
Realise that discomfort often comes with expansion
This year alone, I’ve asked it more times than I can count. And it never fails to soften the sharp edges of hard moments.
Sometimes the answer is:
It’s teaching me to let go.
It’s helping me build resilience.
It’s making space for what’s next.
You don’t need to enjoy every experience to learn from it. You just need to get curious.
This question is powerful but also the naked truth as we see what we’re avoiding, we see our patterns and toxic circles, and not always we’re willing to acknowledge them.
So the next time life feels sticky, confusing, or uncomfortable, ask:
How is this serving me?
It might not fix everything, but it will shift something.
And that’s where the magic begins.
With so much love,
Mimi
